This is amazingly true. Coming into today, I was hopeful that Amelia would have her tube out by this time tonight, we would get the good news that she is progressing fine, and we would have had to argue for the clinic to keep her through next Monday. I was hopeful that she was doing a lot better on her eating, that things were going really well, that we were handling what was coming at us relatively gracefully.
It is amazing how fast these hopes shatter... We dropped Amelia off in the morning, and there really wasn't any mention of the tube at that point. We spent the rest of the day going back and forth about what we would have to say to the doctor, and if I was behind Katherine in her desire to push for Amelia to stay a little longer to make sure she is doing okay. Then, when we got to the clinic, the doctor discussed this with us and agreed that Amelia wasn't quite where we wanted her to be, and that we would keep the tube in longer (meaning the tube had NOT come out today), and that if she was eating well over the next couple of days, we would revisit taking it out at that time. When they brought Amelia in and she still had the tube in, I almost cried. I was so excited at the thought she would have it out today. When Amelia realized it was not coming out today, she did cry, thinking that maybe she had done something wrong, and also knowing that we were going to go to ice cream to celebrate it coming out.
We went to ice cream anyway, because we couldn't stand to see our little girl cry over this. She has really been trying to improve, to move forward. This is so much for a little person to deal with. She really enjoyed the ice cream, and it seemed to lift her spirits some, and we went on with the rest of the evening. We stopped at New Seasons and there was some discussions of what she would like to eat for dinner, and some shopping, and then back to Ronald McDonald house where everything progressed relatively okay until Katherine started to make Amelia's dinner.
Now, I will openly admit that the probme here was one of my own creating, and I am sure just in my head, but two nights I have tried helping with dinner by cooking broccoli... and two nights I have drastically failed.
The FIRST broccoli mishap, I have mentioned before... I was making a stir fry off a recipe that Katherine sent me, but with one modification. We didn't have everything to make the sauce they suggested, so she told me to just use the Terriyaki sauce. Well, the chicken was okay, but the broccoli was WAY to salty. Amelia barely touched it.
The SECOND broccoli mishap, I couldn't even get it right in the microwave. I was trying to just steam it in the microwave. There was even a setting for Hard Vegetables (which was NOT very accurate). First off, when I went to season the broccoli, since last time it had been too salty, I used the non-salt seasoning. When I went to shake it onto the broccoli, I found out it did NOT have a shaker top and spilled a LOT of it on the broccoli. I tried to mix it in, but it just didn't seem to work. Second, the microwave did not do a very good job steaming the broccoli, as it was still a bit crunchy.
So, coming off both these kitchen disasters, when Katherine asked me to make the instant mashed potatoes, just follow the recipe on the box, but change a few things, I just couldn't do it. The thought of my little girl crying because the tube wasn't coming out because she wasn't eating enough, and thinking that might possibly be because I messed up at least a couple of her meals, setting her back a bit, being more cautious about trying the food. I just was so afraid after seeing that today of messing up again. Yes, it was just instant mashed potatoes, how could I screw THAT up, at least that is what Katherine said to me any number of times. All I could say is I messed up steaming broccoli in the microwave with an automatic setting... my kitchen confidence was less than low, and in this case it had to do with my daughter's health and when she might get the tube out.
I wish I could explain this to Katherine because right now, she is still upset with me over it. She still feels that I was being unreasonable, and I don't know how to explain to her that I was scared. Scared of messing up my daughter's recovery further. Scared of making things worse again.
It has been a rough day. A lot of disappointment, a lot of worry, a lot of insecurity. I hope tomorrow might be a better day. Right now, I feel pretty bad at most things around here. I think it's time to take a shower, put today to bed, and hope for a better tomorrow...
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